Now Jerks have Killed the Dream I Dreamed.

Being a product of a generation raised on rom com's and unrealistic expectations, I suppose it should come as no surprise that I can't seem to find 'Mr. Right.' Hell, I'm having issues even finding 'Mr. Right Now' or 'Mr. Anyone Anywhere.' I swear, if one more of my facebook friends gets engaged I am going to 1) like that status update because I'm a nice human and then 2) clamp my hand in my hair straightener. 

I don't feel like I'm looking for someone that impossible to find! I have a very clear image of my ideal man. People have such long lists of ridiculous things that they want from a man, and sure, some of them find guys who are willing to pretend to be that for them. All I really want I've decided is someone to make me waffles and to sit on the couch with me on sunday mornings and watch t.v. Then I want us to play tag in the park and make fun of people on the street. I have taken the liberty of posting my three dream fellas below, mainly because I know so many straight guys spend their days reading girly blogs and I want them to take note. 
Carly's Dream Men:

 Charlie Day... So cute and funny.

 Matthew Perry seduced me with his vocal patterns and comedic timing

Jorma just makes me melt. I'm a pile of butter right now.

While I will say that I am sure many guys in New York are probably great human beings, I can also say I have had the pleasure of mostly meeting Douchebag McGee's. Really though. I met this guy the other night who, while cute, was hands down the biggest ass I have ever met in my life. I couldn't believe the things coming out of this guys mouth! The worst part is, I think his objectifying of women and degrading comments have actually gotten him laid so many times he now thinks it is not only tolerable, but acceptable to act this way. Ladies, don't sleep with these awful men, because the rest of us have to talk to them and endure the Pavlovian result of your positive reinforcement. Don't worry gals, I rang a bell and puched that mo'fo in the face! Alright, I didn't. But I did walk away and mock him incessantly. 

PREACH IT, sister!  I too wish I could say my love life is all romantic strolls around Central Park, and lazy weekend brunches (sidenote: Carly and I REALLY like breakfast foods) that end with a day of mimosa snuggles and working our way through my Netflix and HuluPlus queues.  Oh wait!  I do have that!  I have found a guy who combines my love of fancy day drinking and dumpy television.  He is perfect. Unfortunately he is also gay.  Figures. 

The only other guys I have found lately must be studying at Douchebag McGee's School for the Upright Asshole.  This week I found myself being asked out repeatedly by a (not so gentlemanly) gentleman, who insisted I would say yes because he is "an alpha male"...he was also 20. (The universe is REALLY pushing that cougar card that I DO NOT want)  If you can't legally buy me a drink, please go back to the daycare you crawled away from...I think I saw an Amber Alert about you.  While I definitely love me a confident man, having to reassure yourself you are the top dog, whilst saying I have a "nice frame," is a sure fire way to convince me you are not confident.  It also convinces me I am house, and you are realtor.  What kind of frame am I? The A-frame? The classy Victorian?  The dreaded split level?!  I was honestly hoping for one of those silver mobile homes....but I digress....

My dream man is the perfect mix of tall/dark/handsome, goofy/nerdy/funny, and age appropriate.  I'm sure this mix exists somewhere other than my dreams....maybe.  For now, let's follow Carly's example and use a few pictorial examples to make this search go a little more quickly. 
Caitlin's Dream Men: 

Jason Sudeikis. Cute/funny/charming.  Olivia Wilde is a lucky bitch.

Utkarsh Ambudkar. I mean...come on! And he's been on Broadway and the Mindy Project...sooo

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Just because.  Am I right?! Yes.

Ideally we are looking for a tall dark and handsome man with his shorter, comically adorable sidekick, both with great senses of humor, jobs and the ability to read written word. All applicants can apply, in person, to any brunch establishment this spring. You will find us there. Send us drinks. Just remember, Caitlin likes her coffee like she likes her men: bitter. And I like my coffee with vanilla soy milk and one splenda. But I don't think I like my men that way... Or do I? I guess that would just make them calorie free, Vanilla Ice look-a-likes and I DO NOT want that.

Introductions are Always Uncomfortable

I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now to come off really well in this introduction. I feel the same way I feel when I am getting ready to introduce myself to a cute boy, or when someone asks me my favorite movie, or what the capital of Wyoming is... I just don't know how to function... Ummm... yeah...

Agreed.  This is really uncomfortable and usually in this sort of setting I would just giggle, flip my hair, and smile...stunned stupid as to how and where this new encounter originated.  If that doesn't work, then I'm left one option: RUN!  Which might explain why my love life is so stunning as of late. 

Right. Mine too. People are always like "Oh my gawd! You live in New York!? So, is like, 'Sex and the City' basically your life?" To which I'm all like, "Yeah it is!" and they are like, "Really!?" and then I'm like, "No."

Okay, so we bet you are wondering why this is written in two different fonts and colors. Notice how we said 'we are wondering.' If you need further explanation, we are worried, but willing to give it. We are two single gals- insert cheesy joke here- living it up in the big city. If you didn't read that last sentence sarcastically, we would like to give you the opportunity to go back and give it another shot. We'll wait.

We'd like to get to know each other a little better. Not me and Caitlin, we know each other already. Obviously. Seriously, I am starting to get a little worried with your guys' level of perception. So, we wanna let you get to know us before you decide if our lives are something you want to commit to. Consider this our first cyber date. Caitlin, you go first because I wanna eat this soup you just made.

Ummmmm......ok....So, hi!  I'm Caitlin.  I'm a single, twenty-something, awkward girl attempting to live in the big bad city.  I'm not sure it's so bad, but it is big...but that's not really the saying is it?  In attempts to hide my semi-awkward introversion, I like to pretend I'm an undefinable mix of Audrey Hepburn's class, Ava Gardner's sass (I would say sex.....but that would be a BOLD faced lie), and Kim K.'s ass.  That is also a little untrue, because not only do I not have that ass, I'm not sure I have the confidence to rock something that is equivalent to the size of a small nation.  So, mostly I like sundresses, lipstick, and sarcastic comments.  All ass comments are probably 78% out of jealousy.  Also, all percentages I use, which will be often, are based in fact....sometimes.

Back to meeee! So, by default that would make me Carly. Which is totally cool because that was my second choice! I am a single, slightly younger twenty something (suck on that Caitlin! those 9 and 1/2 months make all the difference!), looking for excuses to wear as many patterns at once as humanly possible. People seem to like me okay, mainly because I will talk at you until I hit on something you find mildly interesting and I curry your favor. I am a lovely blend of Steve Martin's dancing, Liz Lemon's eating habits and James Roday's non-sequential comments. Trust me, guys love it. Trust me, I'm the Doctor. Okay, one or two of the last comments are untrue... Basically, I live for dragons, muppets and when people rhyme on accident.

Now that we are all a little more acquainted, we would like to invite you to join us in our quest.  "A quest?!  What quest???"  Whoa.  Calm your tits.  We were about to say, before you freaked out....ANYWAYS.....basically, we just want you to come along with us as we try to figure exactly what we want in life, since college degrees in the arts don't seem to prepare you for this so-called "real life."  Also, you can watch us crash and burn during our mediocre attempts to have a love life.  Like we said, Sex and the City....except not. 

Right. Or at the very least this blog will turn into a moving tale about how two young girls met, became friends and then died alone, side by side. Really, it's going to be beautiful either way. 

Alright. Lets do this shit.